Running From Emotions (LxLight)
by ThatCrazyMun
Summary: L left the investigation to get away from his emotions, but only a few short months later, Light shows up at L's apartment (after some prodding from Ryuk that is). What starts out as a curious visit quickly escalates to something more, forcing Light to realize that maybe he cares a little too much, too. Lawlight, for the sake of my fangirling nonsense. Reviews are appreciated!
1. The Day He Left

Light Yagami had never claimed to understand L. In fact, he was fairly sure that he didn't. Still, there was one thing he did understand about the estranged detective: he didn't like to lose, and he was frequently obsessive about his cases. So it was with that certainty in mind that left Light shocked on the day that L had told them he was finished with the Kira Investigation. There were suspects, Light being the most prominent of them despite the lack of proof, but the case was nowhere near solved.

"What do you mean Ryuzaki?" Light asked, wondering if this was some sick joke, "You're giving up?"

The detective shook his head, raven bangs falling against his pale face as he argued, "No, I'm not giving up, Light. I'm just…done." He shrugged his shoulders, then turned away as he added, "I never wanted to be L, not really; I don't think any of us wanted it, but… A is dead, and B ran away." He stopped, clenching his teeth as he admit, "I guess, in a way, I'm running away too."

Light hadn't heard about A or B's story, but he assumed they were from the orphanage. It didn't make sense, though, that Ryuzaki had decided to… run away. What was he running from, really? Most people wouldn't have asked, but Light did, "What are you running away from, Ryuzaki?"

"If you think I'm running from Kira," L began thoughtfully, his thumb to his lips, "You're wrong." For a moment, Light didn't think that the detective was going to say anything else. Then he did, and his words were softly spoken, "I've never had any friends because of this job, Light. Now here you are, and Misa-Misa too, but… you're suspects, so you'll never really be my friends either." He shook his head as he started to leave the room, "I'm not running from my job, and I'm not running from Kira. I'm running from you, Light Yagami, because I can't afford to care about you."


	2. Life Without L

It had been four months since L had abandoned the Kira Investigation and left the city. The rest of the team, he knew, we still scrambling for answers; they'd eliminated Light and Misa as suspects soon after L had left them. There wasn't a doubt in his mind that they'd been waiting for the chance to let the two teenagers go. Little did they know, L was still keeping tabs on Kira's activity; it wasn't that he wanted to catch the killer anymore, just that he felt obligated to try.

Meanwhile, Light Yagami was trying to move on with his life. He still halfway helped the team in investigating Kira, but he didn't have to pretend nearly as much as he had when L had been around. Without the detective on his heels, being Kira was almost boring….

**Almost**.

Of course, Light had obligations he had to keep up with. He had to eliminate the criminals, but that was effortless these days. He had Misa Amane to keep happy, but that wasn't a hard task. He had his parents to impress, but he did so flawlessly already. Yes, life without L was dull.

And, honestly, it was a little lonely… Misa was there, but she was a pawn; the same went for his family at this point. Ryuk was bad company, a death god just waiting to end Light's life. He missed the quiet-spoken, messy-habituated man that called himself Ryuzaki.

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><p>Light wouldn't ever admit that, though, not aloud. Ryuk had noticed the way the teenager grew bored, how he starred out the window instead of writing down names. He saw the human turn into little more than a puppet on strings, doing what "Kira" had originally planned to do without really caring about it anymore…<p>

"Hey, Light," Ryuk interrupted one day, hovering absently near the teenager's bed, "What's with you lately? You seem so… I don't know what you humans call it…"

Sighing heavily, Light turned to look at the shinigami as he replied, "I'm just bored, that's all. This isn't hard without L breathing down my neck—"

"—I'm going to assume that's a metaphor?"

A face-palm followed the question as the human muttered, "Yes, Ryuk, it's a metaphor… I just meant that being Kira isn't hard without him trying to figure it out. Everyone else is too incompetent."

That's when Ryuk got an idea that would, hopefully, make things interesting again. A crooked grin formed on his face as he suggested, "Why don't you go visit L then? I'm sure that computer of yours can tell you where he went." He paused, waiting for a reaction as he crossed his arms over his chest, coaxing, "C'mon, Light, it'll be fun."


	3. Visiting L

Light had found L within the week that Ryuk had brought up the idea and, that following weekend, he set out to visit the strange detective. He had no doubt that Ryuzaki wouldn't like his number-one suspect showing up at his house unannounced, but… maybe that was the point.

He'd found the address without difficulty, but was admittedly surprised by it. He'd expected the detective lived fairly well-off, but it was just a small apartment; there wasn't anything special about it, which puzzled Light just as much as it made sense to him. In one regard, Ryuzaki should have been enjoying the luxury his job brought, but in another aspect he probably didn't want to stand out.

There was a hesitation that Light hadn't expected to feel when he reached L's door. It felt wrong, horribly wrong - Kira showing up at L's doorstep like an old friend…

_I can't afford to care about you._

What had the detective meant by that? He'd said it so seriously, with such regret, that it made Light feel a little sick to his stomach. Entertaining the idea of friendship was one thing, but to actually care about one another… It would have been ridiculous to even try, and yet it seemed as though it had been a problem that L struggled with during the investigation.

"Come on, Light, it's just a door," Ryuk prodded from behind him, swallowing an apple even as they stood in broad daylight. Light would have yelled at the shinigami, had he been given the chance, but Ryuk had already pushed him towards the door. He collided with it just enough to make a 'thud' sound, and he then found himself scrambling to turn it into a knock to avoid suspicion.

There was silence for a moment, and then Ryuzaki pulled the door open. His obsidian eyes contorted with confusion at the sight of the teenager, but he seemed to smooth out his emotions as he spoke, "Hello, Light." His tongue flicked out, licking what looked like frosting from his lips as he took a step back, "Come in."

Light made his way into the apartment with caution, his chocolate colored eyes taking in the sight in great detail. It was a simple place, decorated mostly in monochrome colors that ever-fit the detective. "Hey, Ryuzaki," he greeted out of habit as he watched the other man; L made his way into the livingroom, nodding for Light to follow, before perching on a white-leather sofa.

"Your father told you where I was staying?" the detective asked with a frown, arms hugging his legs. Light took a seat next to him and nodded in confirmation. Before he could speak, L had moved the subject along, "I hope you didn't expect much. I don't have company often." He got up suddenly and hollered a brief, "Just a moment," over his shoulder before disappearing into the kitchen.

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><p>Once in the safety of his own kitchen, L Lawliet began to absolutely panic. He leaned against one of the walls and took in several breathes, trying to get a grip on himself even as the anxiety coiled tightly around him, suffocating his usual composure. Light was here, in the privacy of his home. No, it wasn't just Light that was the problem - Kira was the problem.<p>

Kira was in L's home, and the detective did not like it. So easy it would be to steal information from L right now, to get his name and destroy him. Again, the detective second-guessed himself, realizing that Light Yagami was also the problem - not just Kira. Light, the one person apart from Watari that L currently cared about, was in his apartment; if it wasn't one stress, it was another…

Grabbing a bottle of red wine from the fridge without thinking about it, L stretched to reach the top cabinet that held his glasses. He poured himself a glass of the wine and carried it into the livingroom with him, along with another glass and the bottle itself. He set the bottle and empty glass down on the coffee table, then perched on his couch once again as he offered, "Help yourself, Light."

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><p>The sight of L with alcohol was a strange thing, if only because Light hadn't ever entertained the idea of the infamous L drinking. Shrugging his shoulders, he poured himself half a glass of the wine out of polite habit, sipping at it. It was surprisingly sweet for wine, which usually turned Light's stomach, and wasn't at all unpleasant. Turning his gaze back to the detective, he fought to make conversation, "So how've you been since you left?"<p>

Ryuzaki seemed to honestly think about his answer before he said, "I've been fine, Light." He didn't bother asking how Light had been personally, and swiftly moved on to his own question, "Will you be staying in town for a while then?"

"For the weekend, at least," Light agreed. It had been a long drive to L's new home and Light had no intention of driving back without having gained something from the visit first. "Actually, I was going to ask if you had a spare room," he surprised himself by saying this and tried to ignore Ryuk's cackling in the background as he added, "There aren't really any hotels in the area…"

* * *

><p>L Lawliet, the worlds greatest detective, absolutely froze. All movement ceased at Light's words, his breath catching in his throat as he starred down into the cranberry-colored drink. It was like a double-edged sword: Not only did Light want to stay here, in L's home, for the weekend, but Kira wanted to stay here as well; he refused to believe that the two weren't one in the same, not when all his instincts screamed that Light was Kira…<p>

Pulling himself from these thoughts, he forced words to leave him, "There's a guest bedroom. I wouldn't mind the company." Every fiber of Ryuzaki's mind was screaming at himself for saying 'yes' to this horrible idea. It was a bad thing just waiting to happen, and he knew it. Still, he'd agreed, and it was too late to take it back now…

"Thank you, Ryuzaki," Light smiled now, which sent the older male's heart aflutter. Then that smile was covered by Light's glass, reminding L of his own drink that he still cradled in his hand. He merely nodded, then took a long drink to calm his nerves. It was only then that Ryuzaki realized just how bad of an idea getting drunk around Kira—Light—Kira—Light was…


	4. Bad Ideas (His Weakness)

((Okay, Alec here to put a little disclaimer in for this chapter: If you've been expecting this to be sweet and full of fluff, you've been terribly mistaken. L's drunk, Light's an absolute clusterfuck for the moment, and well... shit happens. This is rated M for a reason, but-always always-it doesn't break the Guidelines.))

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><p>At some point that afternoon had melted into night, the sun setting behind L's thick curtains. He'd found the only way to keep himself from completely panicking in Light's company was to drink his wine and keep his answers short. However as the night grew dark, the alcohol eased L into a state of relaxation that was no doubt unsafe.<p>

"Another murder," he pointed out with a sigh as they watched the news broadcast. He shook his head a little, feeling that familiar weight settling onto his chest. With every murder that passed, L grew more restless; the burden of his job had finally started to get to him after all these years…

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><p>Light noticed the change in L's mood before the detective even noticed it himself. His shoulders had slumped, his hair falling to hide his abstract eyes as he hugged his knees and drank his wine. Light had lost count of how many glasses his friend—enemy, he quickly corrected—had drank, but it was definitely on the side of <em>'too much'<em>.

Moving to sit closer to Ryuzaki, he rest a hand on the other man's shoulder and asked, "Hey, what's wrong?" He could feel the detective tensing under his touch, but he didn't move away; instead, something compelled him to get closer, resting a finger underneath L's chin and gently forcing him to look up.

"What?" L asked softly, his breath seeming to catch at their closeness. Light hadn't realized until then the effect he could have on the detective. L's eyes flickered from Light's own to his lips, lingering before being torn away again. A smirk toyed at the corners of Kira's mouth as he realized just how easy it would be to manipulate his enemy. Still, he was eager to see just how far that weakness went…

Testing the waters, Light leaned in closer so that their lips were maybe an inch apart. A whine of confusion slipped from the captive detective's throat. Smirking, Light snatched the wine-glass from L's hand and set it aside; then he leaned just a touch closer and sealed his lips over the other's… It was sick, to think that Kira was sitting there kissing L, but the new world's god was too curious about the detective's weakness to stop exploiting it.

There was some protest at first, the detective refusing to make the situation easy on himself. Still, after a moment Light felt his enemy's lips part underneath his own. His tongue slipped into L's mouth with ease, exploring the sweet cavern thoroughly. The moan that left the older man's throat sent electricity through Light, causing a gasp that gave L just enough time to fight for dominance.

Kira quickly put that show of power into place, however, battling for dominance with their tongues until L noticeably gave in, a low groan escaping the detective's mouth. Heat flushed the killer's body as he pressed his lips harder against L's, wanting to know just what made the older male tick.

It had started out a not-so-innocent, but harmless, experiment. It occurred to Light that this had turned into something more as he felt the detective's arms wrapping around him, tugging him closer. "Damn you," he heard the detective curse against their mouths even as they found themselves sprawled across the sofa, entangled in each other's personal space.

"To Hell and back, baby," Light surprised himself with his own words. In the background, he could hear Ryuk making a noise that was half-laughter, half-disgust. Nonetheless, Ryuk was like white-noise, a distraction from whatever this had become. Lightning flashed through Light's body as he felt the detective shuddering; his lips broke free of L's and moved to his throat, licking and nipping at the sensitive skin.

"Light," he hissed out the name as the teenager's teeth caught his neck. Light gasped as L reached up to grab his shirt, breaking some of the buttons as he pushed the annoying fabric out of his way. Their clothes were shed almost too quickly, leaving nothing but a frenzied detective and a killer out for blood… or sex, whichever came first.


	5. Judgement Day

Afterwards, like all the bad decisions he'd made in the past, L was left with the knowledge that he'd just made a mistake. Even as he caught his breath, the cool leather soothing his hot skin, his mind raced. He'd just slept with Kira, the new world's god—-no, not a god, just a mass-murderer, L quickly amended the thought, appalled by his own choice of words.

As though reading the detective's thoughts, Light purred, "I have to say, L, I never thought you'd sleep with somebody you thought was a serial killer." L opened his mouth to protest, to somehow validate what he'd just done, but he was silenced by Light running his fingers through his messy black hair. Calmed by the action, L resolved to just lay there. "Then again," Light chuckled in that sinister way that always made L cringe internally, "Maybe that was the point."

* * *

><p>Light Yagami was absolutely disgusted with himself, if he were being perfectly honest. Kissing L had been an attempt at gaining some kind of control over the other male, exploiting the weakness that was the detective's emotions. Even with that, Light couldn't justify what he'd just allowed to happen. What had been an experiment had turned into something much more dangerous, though more so for L than it was Light.<p>

However, one good thing had come from it: he'd realized just how mixed L's feelings were about not just Light Yagami the person, but Kira the god… If L could break down and make love to a serial killer, that changed the game entirely. Suddenly it wasn't so black and white; there were 'fifty shades of grey' to their relationship; he forced back a laugh at his own wording, shaking his head a little.

Still, how could Light justify this? Kira, the darker side of Light, somehow convinced himself that it had all been for information's sake. He'd wanted to confuse L, that was all; yes, this was all about manipulating the detective, that was all… It was for justice's sake, so that the new world's god wouldn't be stopped!...

* * *

><p>L, meanwhile, was trying to convince himself of how he could personally justify his own actions. He'd be lying to himself if he said that he hadn't enjoyed what had just happened. Despite his controlling nature, it had been unexpectedly pleasant to have Kira break his dominance to pieces… But that was the sick part of all this: it hadn't been Light back there, not really; there was no doubt in L's mind that Kira had been in control.<p>

Sighing heavily at his own thoughts, he rolled over and, to be blunt, L Lawliet gave up. He rest his head against Light's chest and finally replied, "So I'm not perfect, Light; I never said I was. Spare me the judgement." Again, he was quieted by Light's fingers running through his hair; clearly, the younger had figured out how to shut the detective up without even really trying. Much to his own anxiety, L could feel himself slipping into sleep - something he hadn't done in far too long, as it were.

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><p>((Alec here again to say: Yeah, they're both regretting this. It was a bad idea, we all know it was, but don't worry - the story's nowhere near done!))<p> 


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